What is True Personal Power?

It’s one thing to want to be “more successful” or to “have better relationships,” but achieving true personal power is a much more specific goal.  It means that the goals you seek and the successes you achieve are derived from your core self—that part of you that is the reservoir for your most heartfelt dreams and aspirations, professionally and personally.  It is also the part of you that stores your most ambitious plans.  Often those dreams and aspirations and plans are  buried as we move through childhood, adolescence and adulthood.  And they’re the very ones that can take us to new heights of happiness, self-expression and achievement.

How does this happen?  How does true personal power escape so many of us?  A big part of the answer is that the purest and deepest parts of ourselves retreat, when faced with people who don’t support those parts of ourselves.  That dynamic can go all the way back to one’s parents, by the way.  Out of fear, they may discourage some of our less “practical” dreams.  Friends or teachers may try to temper our ambitions as grandiose, when they could just be seen as confident and wonderful expressions of who we really are and what we really hope to become.  And because we’re asked to meet so many challenges in our educational and early professional lives, we can jettison the most unique parts of who we truly are, in order to get grades, meet deadlines, secure employment and avoid being seen as “different” by others.

Life events, though, sometimes discourage us from embracing and deploying the most powerful parts of ourselves.  We can experience losses, including the untimely deaths of loved ones, that short-circuit the energy we devote to manifesting our core selves.  We can see others around us who suffer defeats while pursuing big dreams.  And we can—wrongly—think that the best way to do our best is to do what is routine and expected and practical.  This resistance between the person we portray to the world and the person we are at core is like any other resistor in a circuit.  It slows down the flow of energy needed to be truly personally powerful.  It is a source of low self-esteem and depression, too.

Each of us is unique.  Each of us has an individual destiny.  Shutting it down has consequences.

There’s another factor, too.  When we devote ourselves to our true, treasured, God-given talents and dreams and seek to actualize them, we are letting the universe take control.  We’re servants of a Higher Power.  And that “letting go” requires faith and trust in the universe.  It requires a belief that we shouldn’t stand in the way of our inexplicable, immeasurable, miraculous impulses to create and build everything from truly intimate relationships, to art that emanates from the soul, to businesses of imagination and originality and boldness.

True Personal Power is the psychological equivalent of strong core body muscles.  It serves as the foundation for both stability and for surges of forward momentum.

Dr. Keith Ablow

Founder, Pain-2-Power

[email protected]

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The Heart of the Matter: The Pain-2-Power Principle

Today is the official launch of the Pain-to-Power website.  So, today seems like a good day to write about the central idea of Pain-2-Power.

In order to become truly powerful, despite any level of adversity (even facing the immense stresses associated with Coronavirus), you have to be working with the non-fiction, authentic version of your life story—from the early chapters like childhood and adolescence, right through the pages unfolding today.  The pain you lived through actually contains the code to unlock major sources of power.  The trouble is that the code is often hidden by the mental process known as denial and other ways we candy-coat or cover up the truth about our lives.

We all have buried truths.  Most of us fear revealing them, even to ourselves.  So, we leave them buried and do whatever it takes to keep them there, sometimes forever.  That’s a bad strategy because coming to grips with those truths, once and for all—especially the uncomfortable ones—is our greatest untapped source of power.

To find the self-esteem to get past today’s hurdles and live full and successful lives, we have to look back and figure out when and how we were deprived of it.

To find the courage to confront today’s trouble, we have to learn what in the past made us believe we weren’t strong.

To find the creativity to change our lives or companies or relationships dramatically, we need to see clearly who or what made us lose faith in our creativity.

Pain-2-Power is all about tracing the roots of your pain, in order to turn it into power—the power to choose who you want to connect with (not be drawn to the same disappointing type of person you keep ending up connecting with); the power to leave a job that confirms someone else’s impression of you and, instead, choose one that speaks to your internal sense of self; the power to take reasonable risks with your business so it can become more profitable; the power to make your marriage flourish in ways your parents’ marriage might not have; the power to make genuine friends who support you, even if important ones in the past let you down.

The authenticity that comes from facing the truth about what you’ve lived through—getting to the non-fiction version of your life story—will make you a stronger, happier and more successful person, parent, spouse, lover or friend.  It will utterly change your life.

If you take this journey with me, whether as my 1:1 coaching/counseling/mentoring client, or by reading my Insights here, or by watching my videos on YouTube, I believe you will be on your way to your true self.  And that means you will be unlocking your true potential for happiness, love and success.

I believe deeply that you matter.  Your story matters.  And I feel privileged to be in a position to help you make the most of your life.


Dr. Keith Ablow

Founder, Pain-2-Power

[email protected]


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Ten Pain-2-Power Coronavirus Questions

We’re being deluged with information about Coronavirus through television and the Internet, by text and by email and by phone.  The media, friends and family are, of course, distributing and exchanging news, facts, rumors and advice all day, every day, while most Americans observe social distancing, working from home or having been laid off from work.  The influx of information can leave us with little time to ponder what living through this pandemic means to us, personally—not only emotionally, but financially, spiritually and, yes, politically.  That’s why I have created ten Pain-2-Power Coronavirus questions that may prompt you to take the time, and devote the introspection, to define (and perhaps write down or record) these very significant and very personal thoughts, feelings and opinions.

The questions are broad, by intent.  Different people may focus on themselves or others or the world around them, in answering each one.

Why would taking the time to answer the Coronavirus questions be helpful at such a stressful time?  One reason is that it takes a lot of energy to keep our heartfelt thoughts, feelings and opinions from surfacing.  That energy could be put to better use.  A second reason is that answering the questions may lead you to important reflections about life that you later choose to share with others—in order to deepen your discussions with them and your relationships with them.  Lastly, I hope that the questions simply lead you to know yourself a bit better than before.  And that’s one very real way of turning pain into power.

You can answer one or two questions at a time, or go through the whole list in one or two sittings.  You may also want to answer each of the Coronavirus questions more than once, allowing a few days, or even a week, to pass, in between.  As the pandemic evolves, your answers may evolve, too.

Ten Coronavirus Questions

  1. The two most inspiring moments I have experienced during the pandemic have been:
  2. The two most disappointing or sad moments I have experienced during the pandemic have been:
  3. Looking back, I hope that I can describe myself as having responded to Coronavirus by:
  4. If I had to describe this period of time to someone who would read my thoughts about 50 or even 100 years from now, I would describe it this way:
  5. The biggest stress I am facing right now, related to Coronavirus, is:
  6.  The pandemic is bringing up these memories of other times in my life when I confronted adversity or experienced loss:
  7. I find myself wishing that I could spend time with these people, with these very special qualities that I miss:
  8. The pandemic has me thinking in these ways about political leaders and their decisions:
  9. When the pandemic is over, I believe I will be changed by it in these ways, in terms of my view of myself and of others and of the world around me:
  10. There will be other pandemics, at some point in the future (hopefully, a very long time from now).  If someone living through a pandemic 100 years from now were reading my thoughts about this one, I would want them to know this:

When we bury our thoughts and feelings we short-circuit our true power to connect with ourselves and with others.  I hope these ten questions provide points of departure for powerful thoughts about this unprecedented time.


Dr. Keith Ablow


[email protected]

For more on Pain-2-Power and Coronavirus, check out . . .




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One theme that comes up repeatedly as I work with Pain-2-Power clients is how to understand those who caused them emotional pain.  Not infrequently, those are the people who were closest to my clients in earlier chapters of their life stories—their parents, for instance, or older siblings, or close friends.  For so many people, their true talents were not nurtured by parents, or their peace of mind was invaded by addiction in a parent, or their self-esteem was not protected when under assault by a sibling who was a bully (or worse).

Frequently, my clients and I arrive at this conclusion:  The people who underperformed as they were growing up rarely planned to do harm.  As hard as it may be to believe and as frustrating as it can be to accept, they may have been doing their best.  They weren’t off in some dark corner of the house rubbing their hands together and thinking up ways to hurt anyone.  They were fractured people who had their own deeply imperfect life stories and that’s what led to their own shortcomings.  Like a virus, trouble in one generation tends to infect the next and the next, until a new, healing perspective intervenes.

There’s a metaphor for this that comes from one of my favorite novelists, the late Harry Crews. In his book, A Childhood: The Biography of a Place, Crews describes growing up in rural Georgia. He and his friends played “crack the whip,” a game in which kids join hands and then, like the hand of a clock, the whole string of children runs in a circle, with the kid in the center just turning in place, and the one at the end of the string having to run very fast to complete each circular “lap.”   Because of the force generated, that last kid is usually unable to hold hands for very long and gets launched from the string of children, flying off and tumbling onto the ground.

Well, Harry was that last kid one day.  And he got launched from the “whip” and flew, tumbled and tripped all the way into a vat full of boiling oil in which his parents planned to cook meat.  Harry writes that when he stood up he saw his skin had been horribly burned.  Then, he says, his mother did the single worst thing she could have done:  She ran to him and wrapped him in a towel.  And that towel—dried onto his raw flesh—later had to be removed from him at the hospital.

That’s real pain.

What Crews writes next is about forgiveness.  Because he writes that he understands that his mother did what she did out of panic and love—and because she didn’t know what else to do.

Now, back to Pain-2-Power.  Can there be people around us in the early chapters of our lives whose actions are not even close to loving?  Yes.  Can they cause us very real emotional injuries?  Yes.  But can those who do feel deeply connected to us, even those who love us, cause us psychological pain and injuries, because they are, seemingly, unable to do better.  Yes.  Because they are, themselves, fractured.  Like Harry Crews’ mother they don’t know what else to do.

That should give you a sense of why it’s necessary to look back at our life stories—especially some of the pain we experienced—and understand the self-defeating patterns of emotion or behavior that may have taken root.  Because stopping those self-defeating patterns may require seeing that the people closest to us—while not usually “out to get us”—were not the capable, strong, unconditionally loving people we wished, hoped or fantasized that they were.

Seeing that painful fact, and learning how to not obscure the insight with anger or anxiety or denial, is the way we become able to stop avoiding the truth—whether by overworking or overusing alcohol or obsessing over one doomed relationship after another.  Yes, we were injured.  No, we were not as safe as we could or should have been from those injuries.  But with a clear view of what happened, we can avoid repeating the same self-defeating dramas, again and again.  And, then, the next chapters we “write” of our life stories can truly be the most powerful of all.

Dr. Keith Ablow


[email protected]



These are times when fear—including the pain of anxiety about illness and strained finances and social isolation—is spreading like the Coronavirus itself.  So, it is a time when we need all the tools we can get to battle back against that fear.

There have been other times when our nation and the world has needed such strength and has found it in the words of great leaders.  During the Great Depression, Franklin Roosevelt spoke these words in his inaugural address:

The only thing we have to fear is … fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and of vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory.

Confronting a Nazi invasion during World War II, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill said:

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

These words, delivered by leaders who believed them to their core, literally turned anxiety into action for many millions of people.

Soaring, inspiring rhetoric seems to be in shorter supply these days, generally speaking.  Facing the Coronavirus pandemic is no exception.  Perhaps speaking about defeating a virus doesn’t lend itself to the same defiant stance as battling other enemies, whether economic or military.  Maybe we are not at a point in this pandemic when the right words can be found to break the grip of fear that now invades so many lives.  Maybe boldly inspiring speeches would be seen as, somehow, inappropriate.  But I am not so sure.  I think we need an anti-anxiety, prime time, national address that rivals those I quoted from, above.

Still, I think it helps to take time to focus on two leaders who share our national spotlight right now:  President Donald Trump and New York Governor Cuomo.  Both of these leaders are working tirelessly to do their jobs and safeguard as many people as humanly possible.  Neither shows any sign of slowing down or caving under or thinking less about an American future of power and promise.  That is inspiring.  That can help, if we take note and let ourselves be inspired by their example.

These leaders belong to different political parties and have many different political views.  Yet, more binds them together in the face of this pandemic than separates them.  There’s a lesson in that, too.  We, too, can rise to this challenge and also lift others up to rise to this challenge.  And focusing on our real, inherent power to do so has real, inherent anti-anxiety benefits.

I am trying to do what I can through continuing to counsel clients and continuing to share Pain-2-Power writings like this one and Pain-2-Power videos four on YouTube.

We have big challenges ahead.  We also have the big opportunity to write next paragraphs, pages and chapters of our life stories that are ones of courage, empathy and understanding that will forever testify to the best of what is inside us.

Dr. Keith Ablow


[email protected]

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Being Unbreakable: What if There’s No Last Straw?

The notion of the “last straw that broke the camel’s back” seems to date to a theological debate between the English philosopher Thomas Hobbes and the Christian theologian John Bramhall. It has survived through the centuries as a metaphor for the notion that a small additional burden or trauma can cause a sudden and complete collapse.

When people talk about why they finally gave up—on a marriage or a business or a friendship—they often identify one last negative event or stress that seemingly made it impossible to continue moving forward. It is as though their reserves of love or courage or trust or hope were suddenly, completely, seemingly irrevocably on empty.

People also use the “straw that broke the camel’s back” metaphor to describe the event that caused them to give up on themselves and conclude that their lives had wandered into darkness that no light could penetrate- that restoration of the self seemingly became impossible.  This is dangerous terrain that is the growing place for depression.  And it is that terrain which I want to address now.

What is sorely needed at such times is a rule for life that is absolute.  And here’s one that might work:  There will be no last straw.

The No Last Straw mantra means that no matter what loss or stress or painful event unfolds in your life, you will continue to believe that light can enter your life, again.  It turns the last straw metaphor inside out by making it clear that none of us can predict when something helpful or healing or transformational will unfold in life.  No Last Straw is, therefore, a philosophy of courage, derived from faith.

Does the No Last Straw mantra do away with pain? No.  I haven’t met a human being whose life has not included suffering. That’s part of the human condition.

So many of us need the No Last Straw mantra in our lives.  And, sometimes, it can help to look at the lives of others who survived almost unthinkable stresses, in order to remember that we can, too.  Think about the late Nelson Mandela, who spent nearly three decades in prison in South Africa, before becoming the first President of that nation.  Or, if you could make use of a more symbolic reference point, think about the “Hanukkah miracle,” in which rededicating the holy temple in Jerusalem required keeping the eternal light burning.  Trouble was that only one day’s worth of oil was on hand. Yet that oil actually lasted eight days, until more oil could be made.  Meaning:  The last drop of oil (or call it the last straw) wasn’t truly the last drop.

No Last Straw.  I hope those three words can serve as a kind of amulet against the inevitable pitfalls—or truly profound challenges you may encounter during life. The universe, or God, actually doesn’t deal last straws—ever—even though it may sometimes feel that way.


Dr. Keith Ablow


[email protected]

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Can We Really Increase One Another’s Self-Esteem?

One of the most beautiful ways we can build self-esteem is by recognizing the good we do for others.  This is something we often take for granted, but it is a miraculous outgrowth of human empathy.  We feel better about ourselves when we reduce suffering and increase contentment in people around us.

Knowing this, many people volunteer to help those in need.  Many make themselves especially available to friends and loved ones for advice or support. Many select careers focused on easing people’s pain or educating them or even directly rescuing them from harm’s way.

Seeking to build one’s self-esteem by helping others is a good reason to devote time to others.

It isn’t selfish; it’s a win-win.

Sometimes, however, it can be difficult to know for sure that we really are having a positive and meaningful impact on the lives of others.  The pace of our social interactions can be rapid.  Life can be full of complexities.  We can end up asking ourselves if what we do for others really does matter?  If we increase their self-esteem, what actually happens as a result of that? Does it make a big difference to them?

I want to tell you a story that can begin to answer those questions. I hope that this story can be one that you use as a kind of reminder if you begin to wonder whether you really are powerful in the lives of others. I hope it gives you the boost in self-esteem you really do deserve, too.

This story is a bit dark because it comes from my past work as a forensic psychiatrist.

I was evaluating a man in prison who had brutally assaulted someone.  He was being held while awaiting trial, and I had been hired by his attorney to evaluate his mental status.  The attack had been so violent that I asked him this: “You came very close to killing this person.  You had a knife.  But you didn’t use it.  What stopped you?”

The man looked at me several seconds, then said, “It’s silly.”

“I bet it actually isn’t,” I said.  “Can you tell me?”

He shook his head and looked away, but started speaking. “When I was in the fifth grade, I had this teacher who told me, ‘I know everyone is saying you’re bad news, but I think you’re a good kid, at heart.  And when I thought about using the knife, I remembered her saying that.  So, I didn’t.  Weird, right?”

“Not at all,” I said.

That teacher will likely never know she saved a life by connecting with a boy in fifth grade who became a violent man.  Yet by increasing that boy’s self-esteem just a bit, she prevented a murder.

If you ever wonder how powerful you can be in the lives of others, I hope you’ll think about the story I just shared. You have the same power as that teacher did. We all do. We just have to remind ourselves to use it.


Dr. Keith Ablow


[email protected]


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I know the gravity of the pandemic we are facing.  I think all of us do.  And I know how tempting it would be to yield to anxiety and spend most of the day watching a 24-hour news channel or obsessively Googling “Coronavirus” or “Covid19.” And, yet, it has occurred to me that the social distancing and stay-at-home edicts issued by government also provide the context for many people to begin or extend a creative project.  It might even be one on the back burner for years.  I’ve been working with www.Pain-2-Power.com and Keith Ablow Creative clients to do just that.

Among attorneys, accountants, stay-at-home parents, teachers, students and a host of other folks who would normally be far busier than they might be for the next month, are would-be painters and poets and novelists and entrepreneurs.  And if you know or suspect you may be one of them, and if you are lucky enough not to be fighting the illness yourself or helping a loved one to do so or grieving (and my heart goes out to you, if you are) the loss of a friend or family member, why not take this time to begin a creative project that lives long after Covid-19 is history?

Some of us are going to look back at the pandemic and see only time that was lost to fear.  And while the fear is understandable, one way to manage it is to resolve to look at this coming month as a “workshop” of sorts, during which you will put a foundation in place to launch a project you might never have given yourself the opportunity to.

I’ve seen people take creative turns during remarkable and sometimes very dark times in their lives.  I coached one man through www.pain-2-power.com who found himself living alone, without a job, recently divorced and seemingly unable to maintain the social connections he and his wife had forged during his marriage.  All the stresses in his life needed to be addressed, but we also resolved that he would use half his available time to work on a screenplay he had always wanted to write.  He ended up finding his writing to be an island of calm and inspiration amidst the storm of his altered existence.  And he completed it.

I don’t think it’s insensitive to these trying times to go a bit further and suggest that Coronavirus might not only create the hours and days to devote to creative work, but could also provide inspiration for that creative work.  Someone might decide to write a novel about a romance that begins during the pandemic.  Maybe that love eventually blossoms between two people who turn up in the ER together.  Maybe someone will write a screenplay about a marriage dissolving as the pandemic rages.  Maybe the marriage is saved as Coronavirus is vanquished, or maybe it isn’t.  Maybe the recent stay-at-home and social distancing orders set the stage (literally) for a stage play about someone having to give up using illicit drugs and come face-to-face not only with underlying psychological issues, but also with the family members involved in those issues (who are suddenly at home 24/7).  Maybe the image of Coronavirus being punctured, tied up with rope or attacked by an angry throng of doctors and nurses becomes a painting or illustration.  Maybe someone will decide to write a children’s book about how fear can never destroy love.

I know it’s a tall order to turn Coronavirus into a creative crucible.  But we human beings have that capacity.  And, now, more of us than ever have the time.

Dr. Keith Ablow


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Keep Your Coronavirus Perspectives Forever

The Coronavirus is impacting us and the world in ways none of us have experienced or witnessed in our lifetimes.  Just a few months ago, witnessing hand sanitizer and masks becoming precious items, grappling with the specter of rationing of health care resources and keeping one another safe by keeping our distance were confined to novels, movies and television series.  Just a few months ago, cruise ships with ill people being denied entry to ports would have seemed almost unthinkable.  Now, it is our reality.

What is unfolding is unprecedented in our lifetimes and brings up very powerful thoughts about everything from the role of government in our lives, to the extent to which we would go to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe, to the contributions to others we are making or would like to make at this moment.  The pandemic brings to the surface deeply held philosophical, economic, spiritual and political views that may have been much further from the front of our minds than they are today.  Coronavirus can also, of course, make people think about their mortality and, therefore, their entire lives—what they have achieved, what they hope to still achieve, good decisions they have made and decisions they regret.

Because Coronavirus does trigger such powerful thoughts and emotions, it can also bring up powerful reminders of other times we lived through crises or experienced losses in life or were called upon to summon courage and show compassion.  That’s how emotional memory tends to work; one deeply emotional moment kindles memories of others.

Documenting your thoughts and feelings at this time can be an important part of responding, in a very personal way, to Coronavirus.  You can do that by writing a daily journal or by recording your thoughts and perspectives as they come to you—via audio or video.  These reflections can become an emotional outlet, a form of intellectual exercise and a treasured archive for you and your family to keep for many years to come—essentially forever, if properly stored away.  If more than one member of your family or several friends take on this challenge, you could share one another’s reflections and use them simply to know one another even better or as points of departure for deep discussion.

I share this advice with you partly because we can tend to keep our innermost thoughts and feelings to ourselves at times like this, or to even keep them from consciousness.  But if we make thinking, feeling and sharing part of our consciousplan right now, we can overcome those emotional reflexes.

Dr. Keith Ablow

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This blog has a pretty simple premise:  People are often afraid of the creativity of others. Not infrequently, we’re also afraid of our own, by the way.  Why? Because we aren’t the originators of the energy behind that creativity.  The universe or God is.  And being the conduit for inexplicable, immeasurable creative energy can be anxiety-provoking.  We can fear being obliterated by the sheer force of it.

This is the same reason that adults often advise truly gifted children that their creative interests might make for fun hobbies, but aren’t necessarily a proper way to spend a whole lot of their time. I think the adults feel their kids could be lost to those interests—absorbed by them.

I have helped hundreds of men and women who listened to adults when they were children and all-but-forgot very deep interests they had in painting, music, writing and many other forms of self-expression. Coaxed to share with me any beloved hobby they had as kids, it’s not at all unusual for them to mention an art form and then recall someone who advised them that they needed to be less obsessed with it—that being well-rounded was the key to a happy life.

How about you?  Did you have a passion as a child, adolescent or young adult that you shelved because someone told you it was taking up too much of your time, or that it was an unlikely way to make a living, or that you could use a part of it in service to a “real” career?

One of my clients was a very successful and very unhappy lawyer who recalled drawing houses and buildings as a junior high school student and loving it.  She was actually disciplined by more than one teacher for drawing during math and science classes.  And she forgot all about it, until we discussed interests she had left behind early in life.  Once she remembered it, though, she couldn’t quite get it out of her mind.  She took an architecture course at a local college and then decided to take the huge and life-affirming leap to get a degree in it. Today, she no longer practices law, instead designing and building magnificent homes.

Another client of mine—a car dealer—loved music as a boy.  He played more than one musical instrument.  But something about his love for music seemed to threaten his parents. Maybe, he wondered in adulthood, his parents were worried he loved the music more than he loved them.  They set rigid standards for his grades and, when he couldn’t meet those standards, they punished him by taking away his time to play music—his “hobby.”

My client didn’t stop working as a car dealer.  But he did rekindle his love for music by buying a guitar, taking guitar lessons and starting a band.  Summoning the memory of a deep interest of his from long ago that was resisted by others turned out to be a key to his creativity as an adult.

How about you?  Did someone talk you out of a creative passion when you were young?  If so, that may be a good hint that it’s worth revisiting.  Because it may well have been a genuine love of yours—and, therefore, a little scary (or more than a little scary) to those around you.


Keith Ablow, MD



[email protected]


(Note: Some details of clients have been changed to preserve their anonymity.)

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